Ideally

When I grow up I'd like to live somewhere else. Indulge in a bohemian lifestyle (and I don't mean I want to grow up and become a hippy or live a "rent"like lifestyle. blech).

I wanna improve my very limited knowledge of the French language. I'd like to move to France and spend my time writing, taking pictures, listening to records, smoking weed and cigarettes. Using the very little money I get from the very few works that I've gotten published to buy my weed and my cigarettes and a variety of organic food from a local farmer that I would have made friends with. I would flit around my rundown apartment with the interior brick walls in skimpy night dresses. I'd have a tattoo and my nails would always be painted some dark, muted color.

I'd want to meet cultured people who I would share similar interests with. I'd want a lover who's smarter than me. I'd want to wear my hair wild and long and curly. I'd wear lipstick and powder and blush and line my eyes with dark kohl. I'd use the very little money I'd have left to become a patron of the arts and support my favorite musicians. I'd share my home with other aspiring artists.

Instead I am sitting here now, my eyes red and heavy and hurting from the pathetically minimal amounts of sleep I've been able to get. I've just gotten home from school -high school to be exact, with all its dreary cliches.

At least I've been doing things that have been out of the ordinary this past week and not quite so typical. Last Friday I got to meet one of my idols, Bethany Cosentino. Saturday I went thrifting. Monday I smoked half a cigar and got to meet the outrageously sexy band, School of Seven Bells after having watched them perform a killer show. Tuesday I went around town, stood on the medians of ridiculously busy roads and took pictures of traffic cameras. Did it on I-380, too. Wednesday I saw the Pomegranates, who were such sweethearts and crazy talented. Definitely buying their album.

I've been smoking so much recently, and right now I'm craving a cigarette so badly. I've got one Djarum Black left, and I don't know when I'm going to be able to get a new box or who'll be able to get one for me.

I'll be able to provide them for myself in 3 weeks time.

KHS HC '10 < 3

You know you're in high school when there really is a such thing as homecoming drama.

I'm walking through the halls today right after homeroom, in which we voted for the top 20 for homecoming court. I'm on my way to French, when I get stopped repeatedly in the halls to be told that I've been voted for. Whatthefuck. It was nice and all, but still, I highly doubt I'm going to make homecoming court.

At this rate, I doubt I'm even going to homecoming. I've got this amazing thrift shop dress that I want to wear that makes me look hella fine, but nobody that I want to go with has asked me yet. There was one boy, who was nice and cute who asked. At the time, I assumed that I had another date lined up, so I told him so. So of course, he asks somebody else, who says yes. I get asked by a douchey drug dealer, who I say no to, who also doesn't take rejection well. I ask a college kid, who says no. So now I'm left dateless and I've got an arrogant ass to deal with.

My plan of action is to somehow sift through the tons of generic, bro-y Kennedy boys and find a date who won't mind getting baked as fuck beforehand, maybe a shot or two, and just spend all of homecoming in a nice, weed induced haze. Now, that sounds pleasant.

Hello Old Friend

It's been a while since I've posted anything legitimate on this blog. I've recently opened up a tumblr. I've been using that much more frequently. I suppose this could be more of a non private online diary, while I consider my tumblr my outlet for small blurbs and media posts.

I'm sitting here in my photoshop class, listening to the Cloud Nothings and Weed Diamond on last.fm. Not doing anything to improve my photoshop skills, whatsoever. We've got a substitute teacher in class today, and that generally contributes to the overall feeling of laziness in a classroom, which is exactly what it's doing here.

Small Black remix just came on and that makes me happy.

Bell's rung.

Religious Views

I'm a muslim kid growing up in a very non muslim country.

I'm constantly surrounded by temptation. Images, videos, music, even food and drink that seem to pull me in a direction opposite from the one I should be heading in.

And it's harder than most people think. My parents grew up in a country where being faithful was easy enough. You were surrounded by muslims, you were taught religion in school, the call to prayer to everyone in the country.

Islam is not merely a religion, it's a way of life, they tell me. It's hard. It controls every aspect of your life. Music is a sin. Pork is sinful. Alcohol is sinful. Immodesty is sinful. Backtalk is sinful. Gossip is sinful.

It tells me the clothing I can and can't wear. There are so many things I can't do. So many limitations I must abide by, or else I'll go to hell.

Don't get me wrong, though, I like my religion.

Once you get passed all the superficial, surface stuff, it's a religion that corresponds with science and it's a religion that makes sense. One thing I really appreciate and admire is the fact that it holds you accountable for all your sins, and does not give the power of redemption to anybody but yourself and to God.

People always ask if we look to Jesus as our savior. We believe in Jesus, and acknowledge that he was a prophet and a messenger sent by God, but we don't see him as divine or any less human than you or I. They then proceed to ask if we believe in Mohamed (PBUH) as our divine savior. I then have to explain that Mohamed is nothing more than a prophet and a messenger who received the word from God and spread the message of Islam.

That message says that you must believe in and worship God. That you are not held accountable for anybody's sins except for your own.

We don't believe that all people are born sinners. We believe that everyone is born completely pure at heart, and every sin that is committed counts against you. But you can ask for forgiveness easily enough. All that you need for redemption is honest remorse and a genuine attitude. We don't believe that any Priest, pope, imam, or rabbi can relieve you of your sins or grant you entrance to heaven or save you from hell.

It's all up to you.

That's what I like. The fact that you are completely and 100% in control of your life.

I believe in God. I believe that there's an afterlife, I just don't believe that it can be simply divided into black and white. Heaven or hell. Life's not like that. Between every aspect of good and bad there are thousands of shades of gray that must be taken into account.

I can't comprehend how you can fall under one of two categories. That you can either be good and righteous or evil and damned.

I feel like one's afterlife should be some sort of rehab. One's personal guide and plan to becoming the most perfect person that they can be, and then everything after that should be some sort of meditation.

These are just my personal ideas about religion. I respect anyone who does whatever they can to be a good person.

Today I Bought a Dress and Wrote a Poem

Today I bought a new dress. I bought a new dress today. A new dress I bought today.

Was it a lovely dress? A lovely dress it was. A lovely dress was it? It was a lovely dress.

I bought a new dress today, and it was quite pretty.

It's got flowers and colors, and it doesn't look at all icky.

It's beautiful, it's bright.

I'm planning on wearing it Friday night.

Friday night is concert night,

and I'm telling you I will be a sight.

The girls they will be jealous

and the boys they will tell us

That the girls in the lovely dresses,

Why, yes, they are indeed the bestest.

I love it quite a lot,

It was no dress that I sought,

When I walked in the Target store,

My eyes not paying attention to the floor.

I browsed, I glanced, I took a look,

But not of the clothing seemed to go by my book

I decided to try the clearance rack

In search of something, cheap and yet not at all whack.

And what do I happen to find

In this seemingly hopeless search, of the fifty-percent-off-rack, of mine?

Why a gorgeous, flowing, timeless dress,

So much better, and clearly a cut across the rest.

Only Ten dollars and forty eight cents

A bargain to anybody with common sense.

I picked it up and tried it on

And, oh how I shone,

In that lovely, gorgeous dress of mine,

Why, I knew I would shine!

Today I tried to write a peom.

I tried to make it flow make it wind,

Make the words rhyme

I feel

that, perhaps,

it could have been a little silly,

clearly nothing more than an attempt

But I hope that people see it as something more

Something that came through with meaning and sound

Something that would clearly resound in whoever'd

be reading it at the time.

A work of genius, of beauty, of contemporary contempt

A work of silence and sound, of vintage and modernity.

I feel that it had gotten the best of me.

For I worked, and I tolled.

Why, this keyboards drips in my metaphorical sweat.

The sweat of a mind at labor.

The sweat of a brain, a hand, a pen, and a paper.

The tears of a frustrated young girl.

Frustration! At the inability to put together heartwarming words.

All about the complexity and the deep story of a new dress.

A brand new dress! What could possibly be less of a topic than this?!

It's all right, she says, just breathe, she says.

Well, she breathes, she calms, and she waits.

Waits for that instance of brilliance, that sweep of confidence.

That tremble of a hand, working hard at the literature in its presence.

That's what I did.

I sat.

I thought.

I wrote.

I conquered.

Well...I don't know if conquered's the word I'd use. Kinda.

Summer, Please Last Forever

Whoever invented senioritis also needs to come up with a word to describe the feeling that those left behind by their senior friends after they've all gone to college are suffering from.

Which is what I'll be suffering from come August.



This year, I went through big changed when it came to my friends. I lost some a group of people who I'd been friends with for many years. It was hard. Change always is, but I got through it with the help of some of my other friends.



I'd also been gradually becoming closer to some girls in my AP Psychology class. Both of whom were seniors. One actually ended up moving to Montana, which was depressing, but the other is right here and still with me. And along with her I have made 5 new senior friends, friends who I've grown extremely close to. I can hang out with each one of them one on one with the conversation flowing and flowing, no lulls. And when there are, they're comfortable, as if we're taking a moment to enjoy each other's company.



They're a virtuous group of people. Not virtuous in a conservative sort of way, but more in the way that they've got a good set of morals. I have never engaged in a gossip session with any of them. None of them have ever said anything bad about the other. It's comforting, to know that your doting, loving friends will always be your doting, loving friends regardless of whether or not you're around. They're also the most relaxed group of girls I have ever hung out with. They're almost like guys when it comes to the "drama" factor. If things happen, such as going to a best friend's hosue for a birthday bonfire, only to have your best friend leave the bonfire for another person's house and everyone go their separate ways. "We all just rolled our eyes and got over it."



I'm also going to miss all the casual hang outs we've had. Where we'll just go to somebody's house and just sit and talk and talk. When we'll rent really stupid, cheesy chick flicks and laugh at them the whole time and make predictions on what's about to happen next. When we'll go to wal mart and buy tons of delicious snacks.

I'll also really miss all the parties we've had, dinner parties, parties where I have no idea who anybody there is, but I get to meet new people, so it's all good kinda parties. All the times we've put on our nice things, and gone to nice restaurants. All the times where we've gone to my friend's boyfriend's friends' house, who were former Kennedy graduates on a late Saturday night and played cards and laughed and just had an all around good time.

I'll miss my chaffeur friend too. One of my senior friends gives me rides to school every single morning, and occasionally in the afternoons as well. I'll miss that daily debriefing we had. We got so close in that small Honda Civic of hers. It was basically the batmobile. Where most cars have "D" for drive on their gear shift, hers had a batsymbol. And the little "H" on the back of her car (the Honda symbol) was flaming.

I'll miss dissing on eachother's taste in music. I'll miss her trying to find new bands for me to listen to, and I'll miss trying to persuade her to give my music a chance, a feat she'd never be able to accomplish.

There are a lot of things I'm going to miss about my friends. Their little quirks that I won't ever be able to find in any other person. Their unique traits that make them who they are and that make me love them. I love them and I'm going to miss them.

Oh, Jeez. I'm tearing up now, so this is going to stop now.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Shopping:

Can I just explain how good it makes me feel when I'm out looking for clothes, and I try on something that accentuates my best features and hides my blemishes. Something that fits my style perfectly without being too conservative or too revealing. Something that makes me feel good about myself. Reading: I read a whole lot. I used to much more than I do now, though, which is really a shame. I remember summers where I'd volunteer at the library. I'd volunteer once or twice a week, and each time I'd come home with a purse full of books, 6, 7, 8 sometimes up to 10 chapter books from each section of the library. Biography, adult fiction, science fiction, nonfiction, young adults. Every section. I'd then return them all the next week I'd come to do my service, and so the process would repeat. I'm also quite a speedy reader, it's one of the very few talents that I seem to posses. I can read a full length, adult chapter book in a day, easily. The 7th book of Harry Potter, against my own wishes, I finished in a matter of hours. Give me a book and let me devour it and I'll give it back deliciously finished up in a time shorter than you'd expect.

Friends:

I can't even begin to describe how much I love my friends. This year, I'd lost a group of people that I'd been friends with for years, and that was hard for me to deal with. Luckily I had the support of my old friends to comfort and support me all the way through. Then I made a whole other group of friends. While they may not be going to Kennedy next year, it's reassuring to know that they'll only be a half hour drive away. And there's really nothing more I love than sitting with my very best friends and doing the silly things any group of girls would do. I love the spontaneity of it all, the last minute phone call telling me to drop whatever I'm doing, get myself lookin' good and ready for a good, fun, long night out. And I love the fact that whenever I'm down I can call my best friend up and rant and rave and let it all spill out of me, with her nodding empathetically on the other end of the line.

Family:

As much as I complain about my parents, as any teenager does, I cannot help but absolutely adore them. Their overprotectiveness, from an outsider's point of view, may seem charming and cute, but when you're the direct recipient of such worried paranoia, it can get old quickly. I admire my father and his intelligence, and my mother and her tolerance and for taking on the traditional, home cooking, home making, role of a mom. I know that I can always, always count on my sister. She's sweet, naive, and has such a soft personality. She's the middle child, so she's always pretty chill and relaxed. My little brother; however, is one of the most hyper child that you may ever meet. His temper tantrums, and impatience can get pretty annoying, but he's absolutely adorable and sometimes just says the darndest things.
I love my extended family, as well. I love my grandmother, my aunt, my cousins, and all my uncles. It's like that game of trust, you know? The one where you have to close your eyes and let yourself fall, hoping that somebody'll be there to catch you. When I picture my family, I picture them, arms outstretched, ready to catch whatever stumble I may take. All 10 of my uncles, my aunt, my cousins, my grandparents, my siblings, and my parents. There's such a strong sense of family.